“No.” It’s a complete sentence. It’s also one of the most powerful tools we have in our toolbox as working parents in the constant juggle struggle of family, life and work.
I’ll admit that “no” is a word I don’t use enough. With a long history of being a people-pleaser, “no” isn’t in my muscle memory, but I’m working on that!
If you’re like me and you find it hard to say no, you’ll often find yourself over-committing and stretching yourself too thin. “No” can change that. “No” is powerful. And it’s a complete sentence; you don’t have to justify it at all.
Here are some examples of “no” that you can practice in the mirror, save as your phone background, or print for your wall, in case you need help declining:
Thanks but no thanks
“Thanks for the offer, but that’s not for me.” – I like to practice this one on cold callers.
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll skip this time.” – this one’s useful for social invites that you don’t have the time or headspace for, but you want to keep a warm relationship with the person who invited you.
No, but how about…
This one’s useful if you don’t want to say no completely, but you want to make an invite or a situation suit you better:
“I can’t do that date/time, but I could do [insert another suggestion].”
“I’m not able to do that, but I could help by doing [insert suggestion] instead?”
Only use this if you really can commit to the alternative, otherwise default back to the ‘thanks but no’.
The “no” with a dash of honesty
“No, I don’t thrive in that environment.”
“No, I don’t have headspace for that.”
“No, I don’t have room to commit to this.”
“No, that doesn’t work for me.”
Nobody can really argue with any of these, can they?!
Notice that none of the above examples include the word ‘sorry’. That’s another thing about people-pleasing; you always feel like if you’re saying no, it must be accompanied by an apology. That’s not true, you shouldn’t have to apologise or feel guilty for prioritising what works (or doesn’t work) for you.
Don’t make up an explanation or a lie
Sometimes it’s tempting to feel like you must explain why you are saying no.
“Sorry, I can’t make it because it’s my cousin’s girlfriend’s nephew’s 16th birthday…” – this is not necessary!
The reason for your saying no is actually none of anyone’s business. If you give an elaborate reason or a lie, most switched-on people will suss you out anyway. Just say no and move on without giving more detail than needed.
How to start saying no more often
Practice! Say it to yourself in the mirror. Practice it on things that seem small at first; a cold call, or your dog. You can build up to bigger ‘no’s over time.
Remember you can be gentle with a ‘no’ – setting boundaries doesn’t mean you have to become an aggressive person.
More nos = more yeses
That sounds backwards but hear me out; when you say ‘no’ to things you don’t want or need, you create space in your life for saying yes to things that really matter. That includes your own sanity, energy, and wellbeing.
- When you’re not doing that late work call, you can enjoy dinner with your family.
- When you’ve said no to dinner with friends, you can get in that extra half hour of yoga that you know calms your busy mind.
- When you’ve said no to running that errand for someone else you can tick things off your own list.
Start saying ‘no’ today. Use and develop your ‘saying no’ skill as a tool to keep on top of things, rather than let things get on top of you.
Juggle Struggle blog 